Normal Eating

Writing down my "not so great" eating habits will help me realize that they are just that--eating habits and not excuses to say "BLOW IT!", you can't be perfect, may as well binge....

-Finishing bites off my boys' plates. This is "normal" and okay and is in no reason a reason to stray and binge
-Eat popcorn. Just because this has been a "binge food" in the past doesn't a bite of it means I need to eat the whole bag and then some. "NORMAL EATING" includes bites here and there and not meaning anything.
-Eating a little chocolate after dinner. Or what I feel like instead of what I had planned in my head.
-Eating something someone drops off or brings over. This may not be in my head's "plan" but it's "NORMAL" to have some.

 I haven’t been uncomfortably full in 8 and 1/2 years, nor would I have any desire to be. But, have I been full after a nice dinner at a restaurant?  Absolutely.  Have I eaten a dessert even after I was satisfied from my meal, simply because it was delicious?  Yes!  Have I been physically satisfied, yet chosen to have a few more bites of a favorite dish?  Yep!  Have I been offered a snack when not physically hungry, and ate it anyway, just to be social or because it looked good?  Yep!  On the flip side, have I not eaten enough in a day because I was so busy, or hadn’t gone to the grocery, or because I didn’t have as much of an appetite? Certainly.

My answer from Heavenly Father came in the form of the book Bulimia Help Method and Brain Over Binge. It's all about the food, not about the emotions. Just about the habit.
I'm recommitting now to recovery forever and to abolish any bad habits.
It's scary. It's the same lessons from when I was in the Center for Change. 6 small meals/day. That doesn't sound at all appealing from my standpoint but I think it will help get me back on track with recovery.

learning from failures

Last night I binged like I haven't binged in a long time.
Without letting the negative feed my thoughts, I'll still write down the thoughts that went through my head so as to try and change them.
"You eat so well all day, this feels good to let-loose."
"You can always make up for this tomorrow."
"You've blown it already, seriously what's another ice cream sandwich?"
"Now that you've gone this far, just eat everything in the cupboards and fast tomorrow."
"Sid is gone, the kids are in bed, you are lonely and you deserve this." "You're stressed about moving next week and doing it all on your own, just relax and watch the Bachelorette."
"It's not like you're an overweight person anyways, you can eat this way. A few extra pounds doesn't look bad on you."

None of these phrases make sense because in turn, I feel like crap the next day. I don't sleep well, wake up with the dryest mouth and feel so frustrated.
I'm trying to not let any negative thoughts enter my brain today, but what is the practical way to go about the next day after a binge?
Fast? Not eat again until I'm hungry? (that sounds obvious but I don't fore-see my hunger coming back anytime soon).

I'm tempted to turn back to the book, "Brain Over Binge" because the more I diagram my eating, the more I'm realizing I just have habits. It's a habit for me to go overboard.

So not listening to my urges in the first place is how I can get rid of my habits.
But in turn, I need to be fueling my body well and not depriving myself at all. In a sense, go back to the 3 meals/day. No snacks and keep the night-time eating gone for awhile as it's habitual for the urges to come mainly at that time.

I am strong and I can change. I choose to put healthy food that makes me feel good into my body. There is nothing I cannot change in my life.
I love my body and want it to feel and look its best.
I have so much goodness in my life. No negative thoughts can ever pull me down. I want to sweat and exercise because I love how it makes me feel, not due to punishment.
I am not powerless around food. I CAN have a bite of something and not go off the rails. I don't need food to unwind or relax.

my nutritional rules!

My nutrition rules! I follow these daily!

1) I focus my diet mainly on cruciferous vegetables and meat and fat.
2) I avoid grains, and if I do have them, it's at dinner.
3) I don't need treats every single day. I used to want to eat an entire chocolate bar each night, and then some. But I have control over sweets. If you give me a cookie, I can eat just one and enjoy it. It doesn't send me in a tailspin. I never struggle with desserts or treats. I have control and can eat just one, or a bite. I don't need them to make me feel good. Instead, I choose treats like a bowl of chocolate oats or I love a baked apple with peanut butter.
4) I exercise daily. That includes either HIIT, lifting heavy weights, or simply leisure walking. Always a leisure walk daily!
5) I get at least 7 hours of sleep nightly. This is huge for me in my daily life!
6) Treats are occasional and they better be WORTH IT. I won't just eat any old dessert!

Sunday Positivity

Yesterday was one of those rare days well I was "thrown off" eating, but I managed better than I had in the past, though I still got over-fed. I learned that it's better for me to not snack, but to manage meals. I felt no real hunger yesterday, but enjoyed the act of eating to eat. Like protein bars, pnut butter pretzels, and chocolate chip cookies.
None of it satisfied me. Perhaps that's the whole argument behind processed foods never satisfying. Though had I made myself even a baked apple or oatmeal, I'd feel much more satisfied, with less calories overall.
Proud of the fact that I navigated a baby shower with food. I wasn't hungry, but still managed to eat socially without losing fat loss goals. I had chicken salad and green salad. And didn't "throw it all out" and then dive into the cookies and such.
Last night, thrown off with an early dinner and lunch, I just dove into the cookies and such. It was fine, but "food without breaks". Looking back, I would have been better going on a walk, weeding, or just doing SOMEthing because I was using food as a distraction really from boredom. I was BORED and it felt good to much.
I chose that, and I'm not even looking back.
Today choose to eat when I'm hungry. To eat foods that make me feel good.
I am in control of my feelings and where my head goes.
I am strong, lean, and capable. I am smart and a good teacher to my kids and the youth.
I can have a small bowl of ice cream, enjoy it, and not let it pull me away from my fat-loss and moderation goals. I can have ice cream. I can have a brownie. I can stop at one. I can eat just one. I'm in control.
I love myself and am happy and responsible for every choice I make!

saturday is a special day

In the past on weekends, it's been easy to find reasons in my brain to not treat my body well...
The current negative tape:
"it's the weekend!", "sundays are for dessert", "you can always have monday to be on track", "you always lose it when your schedule is thrown off", "you binge after baby showers", "you can't handle a small dessert".

I am choosing to change the tape into positive thoughts!
"EVERY day, I choose to fuel my body with food that gives me energy, makes me feel good, and gets me toward my goals."
"I have control. Any food put in front of me, I can handle. I can taste, bite, or try anything and it won't derail me."
"I don't need food to relax me. I have habits that if I want, I can change easily. I'm never stuck."
"It doesn't EVERY have to be this way."

a beautiful friday ahead

I am a mother with purpose who teaches her children the Gospel and how to follow Christ.
I am full of postivity and light and truth.
I light up when I see each of my children.
I make good choices around food that make my body stronger and leaner.
I am kind to myself and when I need to relax, I do. I will always be there for my body and mind.


MOST IMPACTFUL elements for ME. Identify for you 20% (or less). What are your big rocks? What are the 1-3 activities that set you up for success OR the 1-3 activities that set you up for failure?

1) exercise daily, lift heavy 2/3x/week
2) save carbs for the night
3) only eat when hungry and what i LOVE

positivity breakthru!

Mind-blown with Primal Potential's podcast this morning! Exactly what I needed to hear and exactly the puzzle piece missing the past, what, 20 years of my food battles--the self-limiting thoughts I've put on myself.

"IF YOU ARGUE FOR YOUR LIMITATIONS, YOU GET TO KEEP THEM!"
This resonates so much for me because I'm always labeling myself one way or another and then, guess what--I act the way that I prescribe myself to act. I've kept my limitations!
For instance:
"I'm a binge-eater", "I have no control over my food choices at night", "I use food to soothe myself and relax", "I can never eat just one cookie", "I eat well all day and at night I go crazy", "I have no control", "Once I have a carb, I have to eat all the carbs", "I've always struggled and always will struggle"...on and on and on.


STOP PRESCRIBING NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR FOR MYSELF!

It will happen the way I see it play out in my head!
I will achieve exactly the result that I have anticipated! So at night, when I say, "I have no control over food at night" and "I use food to relax" and "I can never eat just one protein bar", then I'm then acting that out. My body will live the actions that is the conversation in my head. I'm living the way that my brain has instructed me to.
Last night, I had already had it in my head that I can never eat one protein bar and never feel satisfied, so I acted out the play-by-play! After dinner, I had one protein bar and then the voice inside my head said, "you have no control with these". Go for chocolate. Go for more.

I can replace my night time feelings with, "yes if I want a protein bar, I can have one! I can always just taste one, or eat a bite of it, or all!" I have control over my body! I choose foods that help me sleep well, relate to my kids well.
"I am secure knowing there is always enough food available."
"I know I can meet my needs when I'm craving something, or when I'm hungry."
"I don't love the taste of Diet Coke and how it makes me feel, but I love water!"
"I am not affected by decisions I made yesterday. I am positive, full-of-light, and capabilities!"
"I take pride in being a mother."
"I am a mom which is the most important job in the world."
"I am influential and full of knowledge and light and truth."
"I am full of wisdom to share with others."
"I am making decisions every day that bring me closer to God."
"I am present and aware of my own needs and will not every lead myself astray."

learning from experience

I choose the dialogue that goes in my head. Today I'm choosing only positive and productive thoughts. Negative thoughts have and will never serve me.
Last night after dinner, I wanted something sweet. I had a protein bar. It tasted so good. I had another and another and another while checking email, pinterest, etc. With peanut butter. I never felt satisfied or full. Kept needing more.
Maybe that's the trick with packaged foods. I can eat dinner or lunch and be like, "woah nelly, that's good." And feel done.
But with carbs like packaged protein bars, I seriously feel like I could eat an entire box and not feel sick till later.
I would be better off probably having a delicious brownie sundae and at least feel satisfied.
So, what I learned from last night. Is that too many carbs (I mean LOADS of carbs) will make me not sleep well. I'll have hot flashes all night and terrible dry mouth in the morning. It's not worth it. That indulgence wasn't worth the after-effects. And I wouldn't even call it an indulgence. I'd rather have something over the top delicious.
I have learned that maybe I purchase the non-sweet protein bars. Or, not have them around. And replace a late-night snack with a whole-food like a sweet potato, baked apple, oatmeal, etc.
If in a pinch, I can go BUY a protein bar. In single form.
Also, nothing at all. I wasn't hungry. My brain is trained to eat something to relax.
I noticed that I wasn't really paying attention to this "splurge" but enjoying RELAXING AND CHEWING.
ONe thing on primal is you don't get a lot of CHEWING. (Meats and veggies).
So the sitting and relaxing with food felt good.
I think I can learn from this that I "can't bring a pillow to a gun fight". Meaning, food will never cure what ails me.
Food will NEVER, EVER be the answer to my problems. If I'm stressed or "need to relax", food will NEVER serve me.
So, instead for today, it is my goal to eat without distraction. To speak positive to my brain and not let "slip-ups" derail me, but simply be a learning experience and chance to take a different route later.

clarity

I feel better than ever physically and emotionally! I have found "the answer" in myself for what works for me regarding food and exercise.
I used to think it was trite and superficial to talk or care about, but truth is, if my mind ain't right, my body ain't right. And vice verse...my body is a manifestation of my brain!

About a month ago, I came across a podcast by Elizabeth Benton called Primal Potential. This girl, though her journey much different from mine (she was obese and lost 140 pounds), I relate so much to the food obsession, constantly trying a new thing, the ups and downs of the emotional eating rollercoaster, and the exhaustion.

Elizabeth's NO-BS approach, biochemistry and nutrition education, and more than ever, her experience, leads to a clear-cut and informative podcast. More than anything, with TOOLS to make changes.

Long story short, there is no right way that I have to follow, but to listen to myself. But with the guidance of the Primal Principles, I've found so much happiness and wellness with that. I've learned that carbs really do make me more hungry. Sugar leads to me wanting MORE sugar and I'm completely unsatisfied. I'm so bloated on nights I overindulge with lots of desserts. I was never enjoying my nightly dessert, but eating out of habit and guilt that I needed it, and then over-doing it. EVERY NIGHT. Like king-size Hershey's, chips, etc.

Most would say, "who cares!" "it's only food." To them, it probably only is food. My husband can eat an entire pizza and go to bed and sleep like a baby, work out the next morning and feel fine. When I do that, it affects my sleep which then affects my parenting, my moods, my friendships, my relationship with God, and the way I talk to myself.

I'm changing the conversation with myself. Only positive in this space. Even my failures or setbacks are only learning experiences. While practicing talking positively, I've noticed how long I really HAVE not talked positively. The self-beat-up, the all-or-nothing threats I'd give myself.

Too many people in this world rely on me. Me being my bestest ever self ever ever ever. I have four boys who are happiest when mom is happiest and a husband needing my encouragement, positive vibe, and happiness. When momma's happy, everyone is. So it's time to take charge 100% of my body, mind, and fulfillment.

This year has been an eye-opener for me. I was SOOOOO busy in residency in Seattle with the kids, school PTA, Church callings, and friends. Yes, I had friends and neighbors and a community! But here, I've kinda taken a break. Haven't gotten involved and Sid is less busy, so I'm not running the solo show ALL the time. It's been nice to look inward and to ask myself what really makes me happy.

I love being a mom. Like LOVE LOVE LOVE it. This is my calling! I feel so excited and almost giddy when the boys come home from school. I love hearing their tales, their stories, and just being with them.
I love watching Hank discover the world, learn to talk, and his absolute fascination with well, EVERYTHING! My mom-role is enough, though the inner battle keeps telling me to DO MORE!

Back to food. I've adopted a lot of Elizabeth's principles from her blog/podcast about healthy living. Nothing I didn't know before, but understanding the WHY behind everything has helped me adopt healthier habits to be sustainable.

I will eat this way forever. And ever. It's the rest of my life! This is my outline! I will never stray because I love eating this way. It's delicious and makes me feel amazing!

1) Focus on animal, plants, and healthy fats. This means my breakfasts are mainly some sort of egg, chicken sausage, bacon, avocado, cheese, etc.

2) Reduced grains/carbs. And if I eat them, I eat them with dinner or later (including a protein+fat).

3) Avoid processed foods. They make me hungrier and less settled and wanting to open package after package after package.

4) Walk a lot. Slowly. An hour/day. (at least)!

5) Lift heavy! Building muscle makes me happy, keeps me feeling my best!

6) Sleep! No less than 7 hours/day. Even if that means I take a nap!

7) Keep my stress low. Say "no" to things that are more than I can handle. Practice self-care with tubs, naps, massages, or quiet time.

8) Treats are "treats" for a reason. They are not "every-day" items. I can have them everyday if I want, but it doesn't feel good. At all. Dessert is not special if it's everyday.